BOYS ARE THE STUPIDEST PEOPLE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! What else needs to be said, besides the fact that last night I had a real life Meredith Grey and McDreamy moment, something I never thought would happen in real life. I actually told a boy to please pick me, be with me and love me (I'm even pretty sure I used those words as pathetic as it is). And the key word there is PATHETIC cause that's how I feel, like my heart has been ripped out and for such a stupid reason and that reason that I want to be with a boy who doesn't want to be with me.
And the worse part is I can't tell anyone, cause how do you tell someone, even your best friends, that you love someone that says he loves you but is willing to give you up. Who won't do anything in the world to be with them like I would? Cause as much as it hurts and as much as the situation would hurt me I would deal with it to be with him, to hold him, to spend my nights with him and my days talking to him. Cause that's what love is. It's being with someone through the good and the bad because you know that they will do the same. But to be one sided to love someone so much that you would do anything and to have them not choose you not even try. To have them say they need to think about it are the exact words to just cut right to you and hurt that part of you that loves them. It makes me regret my feelings and wish that I could take them back and wish that I had never said those words, cause it would be easier. It would be easier to deal to think well he doesn't know that you actually love him so he doesn't know how much he's hurting you. But once those words are out there and those feelings are expressed you can't take it back, you can only deal.
Deal with the tears that you fight back every second so that everyone will think your strong and that you can deal and you don't hurt. You deal with your heart that now feels missing, not broken or shattered or ripped but missing like it was stolen and bruised and hurt and is now so misshapen you can't even have it back cause its no longer and heart and its no longer yours. Somebody else has claimed it, its theirs not yours anymore so taking it back would be wrong and it feels wrong. Loving somebody is a gift. You give them the gift of you, your heart, your soul, your body, your time, your everything so how do you get that back? How do you get you back when all you want is to give it to someone else? When you have given it to someone else, and they just don't seem to care. They let you walk away knowing your pain, knowing what they've done to you without a care.
And how do you continue on? How do you go through your day without that person, without having that someone there to share your stories and fears and problems with? Without that person you've confided in and wanted to share your days with?
And the way it ends, like it was nothing like it didn't matter. Well it mattered to me. As messed up as it is it made my days brighter and my nights better. It made me look forward to cheesy things like valentines day, or just seeing him in class. It made me want to do whatever I could to make his life better. Whether that meant just spending the night with him or buying him a freaking coffee cup cause he was cutting up solo cups to use his coffee machine or cooking him dinner so that he eats something good and healthy.
Then after all these tears after all these regrets comes anger. I'm pissed. I'm pissed that he would choose another girl. And I understand shes going through a rough time and she needs help, but you can't help as a friend? and really what help are you actually doing by faking a fucking relationship with someone? Unless its real, unless you truely choose that person but if that's the case why did you torture me? Why do I have to feel such pain and anger and why does my heart have to be ripped out if you didn't want to be with me. If you knew this was going to happen why start it? Why let me fall for you when you knew the whole time it would end in heartbreak. I know I play so tough like I can handle anything but the truth is I'm weak. All I want is to love someone and have them love me back. I want to not have to fight back tears, to not have to worry to have YOU! Is it really so hard to be with me? And you don't wanna hurt someone else so you hurt me? What kind of man does that? Hurts someone cause they love you, take advantage of that love and twist it so its no longer what it should be. Its a dark hurtful thing that I think I wish had never happened.
So I guess it's back to my old life. Back to the parties and the boys, back to living for fun and not for love. Back to the hollow selfish life that was mine before I let him in.
Cause IF SOMEONE IS STUPID ENOUGH TO LET ME WALK OUT OF THEIR LIFE THE ONLY THING I CAN DO IS BE SMART ENOUGH TO NEVER WALK BACK IN.
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