BOYS ARE THE STUPIDEST PEOPLE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! What else needs to be said, besides the fact that last night I had a real life Meredith Grey and McDreamy moment, something I never thought would happen in real life. I actually told a boy to please pick me, be with me and love me (I'm even pretty sure I used those words as pathetic as it is). And the key word there is PATHETIC cause that's how I feel, like my heart has been ripped out and for such a stupid reason and that reason that I want to be with a boy who doesn't want to be with me.
And the worse part is I can't tell anyone, cause how do you tell someone, even your best friends, that you love someone that says he loves you but is willing to give you up. Who won't do anything in the world to be with them like I would? Cause as much as it hurts and as much as the situation would hurt me I would deal with it to be with him, to hold him, to spend my nights with him and my days talking to him. Cause that's what love is. It's being with someone through the good and the bad because you know that they will do the same. But to be one sided to love someone so much that you would do anything and to have them not choose you not even try. To have them say they need to think about it are the exact words to just cut right to you and hurt that part of you that loves them. It makes me regret my feelings and wish that I could take them back and wish that I had never said those words, cause it would be easier. It would be easier to deal to think well he doesn't know that you actually love him so he doesn't know how much he's hurting you. But once those words are out there and those feelings are expressed you can't take it back, you can only deal.
Deal with the tears that you fight back every second so that everyone will think your strong and that you can deal and you don't hurt. You deal with your heart that now feels missing, not broken or shattered or ripped but missing like it was stolen and bruised and hurt and is now so misshapen you can't even have it back cause its no longer and heart and its no longer yours. Somebody else has claimed it, its theirs not yours anymore so taking it back would be wrong and it feels wrong. Loving somebody is a gift. You give them the gift of you, your heart, your soul, your body, your time, your everything so how do you get that back? How do you get you back when all you want is to give it to someone else? When you have given it to someone else, and they just don't seem to care. They let you walk away knowing your pain, knowing what they've done to you without a care.
And how do you continue on? How do you go through your day without that person, without having that someone there to share your stories and fears and problems with? Without that person you've confided in and wanted to share your days with?
And the way it ends, like it was nothing like it didn't matter. Well it mattered to me. As messed up as it is it made my days brighter and my nights better. It made me look forward to cheesy things like valentines day, or just seeing him in class. It made me want to do whatever I could to make his life better. Whether that meant just spending the night with him or buying him a freaking coffee cup cause he was cutting up solo cups to use his coffee machine or cooking him dinner so that he eats something good and healthy.
Then after all these tears after all these regrets comes anger. I'm pissed. I'm pissed that he would choose another girl. And I understand shes going through a rough time and she needs help, but you can't help as a friend? and really what help are you actually doing by faking a fucking relationship with someone? Unless its real, unless you truely choose that person but if that's the case why did you torture me? Why do I have to feel such pain and anger and why does my heart have to be ripped out if you didn't want to be with me. If you knew this was going to happen why start it? Why let me fall for you when you knew the whole time it would end in heartbreak. I know I play so tough like I can handle anything but the truth is I'm weak. All I want is to love someone and have them love me back. I want to not have to fight back tears, to not have to worry to have YOU! Is it really so hard to be with me? And you don't wanna hurt someone else so you hurt me? What kind of man does that? Hurts someone cause they love you, take advantage of that love and twist it so its no longer what it should be. Its a dark hurtful thing that I think I wish had never happened.
So I guess it's back to my old life. Back to the parties and the boys, back to living for fun and not for love. Back to the hollow selfish life that was mine before I let him in.
Cause IF SOMEONE IS STUPID ENOUGH TO LET ME WALK OUT OF THEIR LIFE THE ONLY THING I CAN DO IS BE SMART ENOUGH TO NEVER WALK BACK IN.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Snow the greatest and the worst
So we got about 8 inches of snow the other night, and I have yet to discover whether that was a good thing or a bad. Granted it makes the whole world look all shiny and white and pretty, but as the days go on and it melts and people and cars get all into it it makes things look all dirty and gross and I began to wonder is that a metaphor for love?
Think about it, when you start out everything is perfect and beautiful and you are completely happy, just like that first white snow, yet as more people know about it and trek through your relationship it begins to get dirty and black and can go wrong. And as much as you wish that things could go back to the first perfect whiteness the fact is it can never happen until you get a new snow fall. So when do you decide that it's too dirty and too much? That to many people are trekking through it and making it something twisted, dirty, gross and no longer worth that initial happiness and joy.
How many rumors should someone have to endure before you begin to believe they're true? How many moments are you supposed to forgive and forget before that trust is just lost? When do you doubt their judgment and begin to wonder how much they really care when they do things to obviously hurt and upset you.
I wonder how much dirt and grime a person should take before they need to find that fresh snow again and hope that for once that snow will fall in the middle of a forest untouched by hurt, heartbreak, anger, dirt and the blackness of anger.
Or maybe the same blizzard can hit and make it all alright again
Think about it, when you start out everything is perfect and beautiful and you are completely happy, just like that first white snow, yet as more people know about it and trek through your relationship it begins to get dirty and black and can go wrong. And as much as you wish that things could go back to the first perfect whiteness the fact is it can never happen until you get a new snow fall. So when do you decide that it's too dirty and too much? That to many people are trekking through it and making it something twisted, dirty, gross and no longer worth that initial happiness and joy.
How many rumors should someone have to endure before you begin to believe they're true? How many moments are you supposed to forgive and forget before that trust is just lost? When do you doubt their judgment and begin to wonder how much they really care when they do things to obviously hurt and upset you.
I wonder how much dirt and grime a person should take before they need to find that fresh snow again and hope that for once that snow will fall in the middle of a forest untouched by hurt, heartbreak, anger, dirt and the blackness of anger.
Or maybe the same blizzard can hit and make it all alright again
Friday, January 14, 2011
Airports making trips shorter everyday
So I spent most of my winter break in Colorado visiting my dad and the other morning I had a flight at 6:10 AM to fly back to Missouri. Now my dad, although I love him a lot, is very anal retentive and one of his little quirks is that you have to be at the airport at least 2 hours before your flight otherwise the world comes to an end! Ok so he's not that bad but it's still something that is just good to do. That's how I found myself at Denver International Airport at 4 in the morning.
Usually the process is not that bad, you walk to the kiosk, check your bag, go through security and then just sit at the gate and read and listen to my ipod or occassionally strike up a conversation with someone. Unfortunately, this trip was not going to be my usual routine and it started with the check in process. Apparently the kiosk did not open until 4:30 AM so me and about 20 other people just sat around waiting for the kiosk to open to even check our bags. Needless to say I am slightly annoyed that I have to sit on the wrong side of security and wait for them to open up, especially since I have been up since O dark thirty aka 3 AM. So around 4:20 I get into line since some other people were lining up and I didn't want to have to wait forever in line once the kiosk did open. So I am now in line on my cell phone checking out twitter and facebook, bored when I notice that someone is just now coming out of the back room to help us check in and check baggage, the time 4:35. Ok so I realize 5 min is not that huge of deal but the time when the first person in line finally gets checked in sometimes after 4:45, cause they started settin up the computers at 4:30 which took at least 15 min to do. This annoys me because they knew people whwewanding around waiting, a lot of whom already had their boarding passes and simply needed to check in their one bag, so when the sign says opened at 4:30 you should be ready at 4:30 or at the most a few minutes past not 15 min.
So I finally get checked and go through security, which took forever! However considering the early morning I wasn't that angry that they only had one person checking tickets and three security lanes open, plus this really cute guy was right in front of me and he kept making really funny remarks about it making the wait entertaing.
I have now gone through security and am making my way to my gate, hungry I stop at Einstein to grab some coffee and a fruit cup and again I am met with frustration! The lady taking orders was so stupid! She asked me what I wanted, I told her a cup of coffee and a fruit cup, she asked you want the combo meal, I tell her no I don't want a sandwich I just want a cup of coffee and a fruit cup, she nods her head and puts in my order I pay thinking it was a pretty pricey cup of coffee and fruit cup only to hear my name called for a sandwich. The lady had put on my ticket that I wanted the combo meal with an egg sandwich to go along with my fruit cup and coffee. I was slightly pissed but just took it and left not wanting to cause drama and just really wanting to get to my gate and read my book and drink my coffee and get home.
It was at the gate that I once again ran into security line hottie! But not right away, first I was talking to this old couple who were once in the Air Force and the man was talking about how he decided to retire when satellites got really big because he simply didn't understand them. Then another guy entered the conversation who had just gotten a job working with satellites after leaving the Seminary, aka he quit Priest school to work on satelites. The conversation was interesting until I decided to get up and stretch my legs so I said see you later and started walking around, it was then that I spotted security line hottie, sitting near my gate. He made eye contact and waved me over so I went over to say Hi, turns out he was on the same flight as me going to St. Louis. I was so pumped! We talked about school and life and our different views but in a very flirty, cute way. No messy arguements, no confusion just good honest flirting. The kind of uncomplicated conversations I missed. And he was great and so much fun but soon his friends showed up and although we ended up sitting close on the plane I spent pretty much the whole ride absorbed in book. And when we landed and got to baggage claim he did ask for my number and although I said I wasn't comfortable giving it out to a virtual stranger he did give me his and told me if I ever find myself in the area bored I should contact him cause he would love to take me out on a date or something. So I took the number and told him that I was flattered, but I was seeing someone so probably wouldn't be contacting him anytime soon which he said was fine but if it didn't work out or if I just wanted to be friends he would be awaiting my call. And although I haven't contacted him and don't plan on it, it not only made my day a little better but made me feel better about myself.
Usually the process is not that bad, you walk to the kiosk, check your bag, go through security and then just sit at the gate and read and listen to my ipod or occassionally strike up a conversation with someone. Unfortunately, this trip was not going to be my usual routine and it started with the check in process. Apparently the kiosk did not open until 4:30 AM so me and about 20 other people just sat around waiting for the kiosk to open to even check our bags. Needless to say I am slightly annoyed that I have to sit on the wrong side of security and wait for them to open up, especially since I have been up since O dark thirty aka 3 AM. So around 4:20 I get into line since some other people were lining up and I didn't want to have to wait forever in line once the kiosk did open. So I am now in line on my cell phone checking out twitter and facebook, bored when I notice that someone is just now coming out of the back room to help us check in and check baggage, the time 4:35. Ok so I realize 5 min is not that huge of deal but the time when the first person in line finally gets checked in sometimes after 4:45, cause they started settin up the computers at 4:30 which took at least 15 min to do. This annoys me because they knew people whwewanding around waiting, a lot of whom already had their boarding passes and simply needed to check in their one bag, so when the sign says opened at 4:30 you should be ready at 4:30 or at the most a few minutes past not 15 min.
So I finally get checked and go through security, which took forever! However considering the early morning I wasn't that angry that they only had one person checking tickets and three security lanes open, plus this really cute guy was right in front of me and he kept making really funny remarks about it making the wait entertaing.
I have now gone through security and am making my way to my gate, hungry I stop at Einstein to grab some coffee and a fruit cup and again I am met with frustration! The lady taking orders was so stupid! She asked me what I wanted, I told her a cup of coffee and a fruit cup, she asked you want the combo meal, I tell her no I don't want a sandwich I just want a cup of coffee and a fruit cup, she nods her head and puts in my order I pay thinking it was a pretty pricey cup of coffee and fruit cup only to hear my name called for a sandwich. The lady had put on my ticket that I wanted the combo meal with an egg sandwich to go along with my fruit cup and coffee. I was slightly pissed but just took it and left not wanting to cause drama and just really wanting to get to my gate and read my book and drink my coffee and get home.
It was at the gate that I once again ran into security line hottie! But not right away, first I was talking to this old couple who were once in the Air Force and the man was talking about how he decided to retire when satellites got really big because he simply didn't understand them. Then another guy entered the conversation who had just gotten a job working with satellites after leaving the Seminary, aka he quit Priest school to work on satelites. The conversation was interesting until I decided to get up and stretch my legs so I said see you later and started walking around, it was then that I spotted security line hottie, sitting near my gate. He made eye contact and waved me over so I went over to say Hi, turns out he was on the same flight as me going to St. Louis. I was so pumped! We talked about school and life and our different views but in a very flirty, cute way. No messy arguements, no confusion just good honest flirting. The kind of uncomplicated conversations I missed. And he was great and so much fun but soon his friends showed up and although we ended up sitting close on the plane I spent pretty much the whole ride absorbed in book. And when we landed and got to baggage claim he did ask for my number and although I said I wasn't comfortable giving it out to a virtual stranger he did give me his and told me if I ever find myself in the area bored I should contact him cause he would love to take me out on a date or something. So I took the number and told him that I was flattered, but I was seeing someone so probably wouldn't be contacting him anytime soon which he said was fine but if it didn't work out or if I just wanted to be friends he would be awaiting my call. And although I haven't contacted him and don't plan on it, it not only made my day a little better but made me feel better about myself.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Inspiration
There was a quote that when I was younger my mother stenciled on a chair. This was during her artsy fase, and although I don't remember the exact town that we lived in I do remember certain things about the house. I remember that there were stairs and my moms art studio was under these stairs. I remember that one day a chunk of ceiling actually fell on her art studio lol. No one was injured so the story is just funny.
I remeber my best friend was Coral and we were obsessed with Grease. We had the soundtrack and would dress up in long skirts and act out the songs. American Girl dolls were the best invention and we both had one. We would also routinely marry my brother to other girls in the neighborhood, this was mainly due to my secret wish to one day be a Catholic priest (before I of course learned that you could only be a priest if you were a boy).
So it was in this time of make believe and complete happiness that I first read this quote "Reach for the moon that way if you miss then you will still be among the stars." And as my life has progressed I realize even more the importance of that quote.
To me it means always aim for the top and even if you don't make it where you wanted to be or thought you wanted to be, where you end up is exactly where you were meant to be making it even better. It reminds me that no dream is too big cause no matter what at least you went for it therefore whereever you end up is a beautiful place. Granted sometimes it may take some time to realize the good and beauty in the situation no matter what you always either end up on the moon or with the stars, and both of which have a beautiful view.
I remeber my best friend was Coral and we were obsessed with Grease. We had the soundtrack and would dress up in long skirts and act out the songs. American Girl dolls were the best invention and we both had one. We would also routinely marry my brother to other girls in the neighborhood, this was mainly due to my secret wish to one day be a Catholic priest (before I of course learned that you could only be a priest if you were a boy).
So it was in this time of make believe and complete happiness that I first read this quote "Reach for the moon that way if you miss then you will still be among the stars." And as my life has progressed I realize even more the importance of that quote.
To me it means always aim for the top and even if you don't make it where you wanted to be or thought you wanted to be, where you end up is exactly where you were meant to be making it even better. It reminds me that no dream is too big cause no matter what at least you went for it therefore whereever you end up is a beautiful place. Granted sometimes it may take some time to realize the good and beauty in the situation no matter what you always either end up on the moon or with the stars, and both of which have a beautiful view.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Wii!!!!!!
So for christmas I got a Wii (with a pink controller of course!) and all I can say is not only is it the best invention ever! But also the game Just Dance will perhaps change my life. Not only do I now enjoy dancing around like a freak to old school songs but I can do it for points, no longer making it useless. Also it is a pretty decent workout if you do it for long enough. I danced continuely for over an hour and worked up quite a good sweat.
Not to mention I see many drunken nights with my roomies and various other party people being spent in front of my flat screen dancing to blondie or doing some sick disco moves (or if I'm really lucky someone will bust out the M.C Hammer!).
So for those of you who don't have one get it! It's amazing!
Not to mention I see many drunken nights with my roomies and various other party people being spent in front of my flat screen dancing to blondie or doing some sick disco moves (or if I'm really lucky someone will bust out the M.C Hammer!).
So for those of you who don't have one get it! It's amazing!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The Plot Thickens!
So lately I've been really rocky with this guy. And well it go way worse tonight, worse to the point where I'm ready to say my goodbyes and chalk this up to a failed relationship that was never meant to be. Then to only prove my point that perhaps something should be done, something amazing happens......I get asked out on a date! Here's the scoop.
I have this friend, who I will call the Devil (cause that's what I jokingly call him anyways), but my friend is this guy who I met in August as strictly friends and we started talking cause we realized we are both brutally honest and sarcastic so our conversations are pretty interesting. But anyways I've told him absolutely everything about my awful not really relationship and he's given me advice that ranges from your over reacting you crazy girl to why are you letting this guy mess with your head and your emotions? And so I began to truely question why? Am I really that desperate for someone to be with me that I take the first person who comes along, even if he obviously isn't right for me?
Well we are having this conversation. I'm poring out my heart to him about my problems with this guy and how I just want a guy to see me and want to be with me. Not for a night, not for a little bit but seriously with me, like boyfriend-girlfriend, I love you with me. And he tells me that he doesn't believe that a "pretty girl" like me can't find whatever I'm looking for. So I say I have no problem finding a guy to hook up with but finding someone who wants more is tough. His reply: "well you'll have to forgive my vulgar comments earlier but I'm in a stage in my life that if I find the right match then hookups aren't all I'm after so like I said most and not all' Then he goes on to say that he will help me in whatever way I need to get over the guy. When I tell him I'm sorry but I'm not having sex with him, he says that he doesn't want to just have sex with me. He see's that I'm not in that great of shape mentally and doesn't want to take advantage of me. He said he would be perfectly happy just sleeping with me and cuddling and wouldn't push for anything more unless I wanted it.
Now I realize this is the exact way a boy can play you. Pretend to be the sweetheart to get you into bed for "just cuddling" only to pull some move on you and push for more. However, at the same time I have seen the good in the Devil and feel that he deserves a very tentative shot. So although I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave the guy I have decided that my options are staying open. I'm going to take this chance. My new years resolution of no sex will still absolutely stand, however I won't be against hanging out and seeing where things with the Devil goes.
Although if it goes somewhere I guess that means I will have to call him something besides the Devil. :)
I have this friend, who I will call the Devil (cause that's what I jokingly call him anyways), but my friend is this guy who I met in August as strictly friends and we started talking cause we realized we are both brutally honest and sarcastic so our conversations are pretty interesting. But anyways I've told him absolutely everything about my awful not really relationship and he's given me advice that ranges from your over reacting you crazy girl to why are you letting this guy mess with your head and your emotions? And so I began to truely question why? Am I really that desperate for someone to be with me that I take the first person who comes along, even if he obviously isn't right for me?
Well we are having this conversation. I'm poring out my heart to him about my problems with this guy and how I just want a guy to see me and want to be with me. Not for a night, not for a little bit but seriously with me, like boyfriend-girlfriend, I love you with me. And he tells me that he doesn't believe that a "pretty girl" like me can't find whatever I'm looking for. So I say I have no problem finding a guy to hook up with but finding someone who wants more is tough. His reply: "well you'll have to forgive my vulgar comments earlier but I'm in a stage in my life that if I find the right match then hookups aren't all I'm after so like I said most and not all' Then he goes on to say that he will help me in whatever way I need to get over the guy. When I tell him I'm sorry but I'm not having sex with him, he says that he doesn't want to just have sex with me. He see's that I'm not in that great of shape mentally and doesn't want to take advantage of me. He said he would be perfectly happy just sleeping with me and cuddling and wouldn't push for anything more unless I wanted it.
Now I realize this is the exact way a boy can play you. Pretend to be the sweetheart to get you into bed for "just cuddling" only to pull some move on you and push for more. However, at the same time I have seen the good in the Devil and feel that he deserves a very tentative shot. So although I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave the guy I have decided that my options are staying open. I'm going to take this chance. My new years resolution of no sex will still absolutely stand, however I won't be against hanging out and seeing where things with the Devil goes.
Although if it goes somewhere I guess that means I will have to call him something besides the Devil. :)
Friday, January 7, 2011
Facebook....Relationship Friend or Foe?
So like most of our generation I find myself occasionally obssessed with Facebook. There are days where I can spend hours and then times when I don't log on for weeks. And with it now available on my phone I find that the only real reason I need to go online anymore is when I am using it to kill time. Yet is all this information about everyone a good idea, especially when it comes to relationships.
Now I'll admit that I'm one of those people who when I'm "with" someone I write on their wall and tag pictures of us together, kind of a cyper marking of my territory. I also admit that I have issues, especially with trust, and this leads me to analyze the different things that occur on facebook, especially when it deals with other girls. Now don't think that I'm one of those girls that if you talk to another I will freak out on you, but at the same time I believe that certain rules should be followed in order to make things run more smoothly.
That's why I find my recent semi-relationship in such a tangle. He is the type of guy who is willing to help others which is perfectly fine and I actualy like about him, to a point. And this willingness to be nice and help and facebook have collided in a way that has me questioning is this really going to work.
Here's the story. There was this big event a date event, and he asked me to be his date and I was ecstatic. I instantly went online and bought a new dress and jewelry and planned out my hair and rearranged my schedule so that I could make it, canceling plans with quite a few people who are still mad at me, but it was gonna be worth it. It was going to be a fun night where we would get all dressed up and drink and party and get to be coupley in a very public way which is a huge deal! Then the dilemma, a few days before the event he tells me that his friend, who is a girl, is moving states and he will most likely never see her again and she is coming to visit for a night, on that night, the night that I had planned and primped and was the only light at the end of a dark tunnel of crap that I was dealing with. Needless to say I was speechless, I mean what could I really say? He's not techinically my boyfriend so I couldn't completely object so I was just silent for most of the night and asked could he please ask her to come another night? Why does it have to be that night, my night, my happy ever after night. But he wouldn't budge so I sucked it up granted I wasn't exactly the nicest person the rest of the night but I figured one night fine but he would need to follow my rules, the big one being Absolutely no sleeping in the same bed.
Things only got worse when I found out that she would be saving two nights and he was a complete butthole and didn't see why it was such a big deal. I'm ashamed to say at this point I wanted to bawl. I wanted to crawl into myself and just die, I felt absolutely crushed. How could he not see how important this was! And if she was coming two nights why not just come the one, the one after my happily ever after night. I mean its not like I've ever heard this girl mentioned, and she wasn't in his cyber world at all! (I know cause I checked, can you blame me for wanted to know what I was up against?)
So the night comes and I'm a mess so how do I solve this dilemma, I get drunk, really, really drunk with my best friend on wine while watching Elf and various other movies. I also send texts to some of my best guy friends who instantly know I'm feeling down in the dumps and send me greatly reassuring texts thereby boosting my mood. The second night I solve my problems by having several people from his house over to my apartment to drink, with a strict invitation that he is not allowed to come. And this little bit of information that his brothers come over without him well it made me feel better, much much better.
So those days end we talk about it and I figure she's moving no longer an issue, but oh boy was I ever wrong! This girl just won't leave! Every other day she's writing on his facebook wall, commenting on his pictures (and not even legit ones, ones that are years old and his profile pics! Like really?!?). Now I know that it looks bad that I know this, however in my defence I did not stalk him to figure out all this (not that I am above stalking, but I just havne't felt like I needed to), I found it all out via that lovely invention called the facebook news feed, cause after every comment she made he either liked it or made another comment. And then to top it all off she writes one day how much she misses him and needs him to hold her and the very next day puts a picture on his wall saying how much her and her cat miss him! I'm sorry but since when is that "Just Friends" behavior? I know tons of guys and I would never put how much I need them to hold me or a picture of me and my pet on their page! That's just not normal! That's flirting openly without any problem and everytime I see it I get a pressure in my chest and my stomach twists into knots.
It also makes me wonder, how great of a guy can he be if he just allows this kind of blatent PDA from a girl who is just his friend?
This brings me to my original point, with this kind of availability to each others information what kind of world are we building? Cause personally I know that it is currently my foe causing me to lose trust and feelings that I have for someone making me distant and unwilling to commit.
Now I'll admit that I'm one of those people who when I'm "with" someone I write on their wall and tag pictures of us together, kind of a cyper marking of my territory. I also admit that I have issues, especially with trust, and this leads me to analyze the different things that occur on facebook, especially when it deals with other girls. Now don't think that I'm one of those girls that if you talk to another I will freak out on you, but at the same time I believe that certain rules should be followed in order to make things run more smoothly.
That's why I find my recent semi-relationship in such a tangle. He is the type of guy who is willing to help others which is perfectly fine and I actualy like about him, to a point. And this willingness to be nice and help and facebook have collided in a way that has me questioning is this really going to work.
Here's the story. There was this big event a date event, and he asked me to be his date and I was ecstatic. I instantly went online and bought a new dress and jewelry and planned out my hair and rearranged my schedule so that I could make it, canceling plans with quite a few people who are still mad at me, but it was gonna be worth it. It was going to be a fun night where we would get all dressed up and drink and party and get to be coupley in a very public way which is a huge deal! Then the dilemma, a few days before the event he tells me that his friend, who is a girl, is moving states and he will most likely never see her again and she is coming to visit for a night, on that night, the night that I had planned and primped and was the only light at the end of a dark tunnel of crap that I was dealing with. Needless to say I was speechless, I mean what could I really say? He's not techinically my boyfriend so I couldn't completely object so I was just silent for most of the night and asked could he please ask her to come another night? Why does it have to be that night, my night, my happy ever after night. But he wouldn't budge so I sucked it up granted I wasn't exactly the nicest person the rest of the night but I figured one night fine but he would need to follow my rules, the big one being Absolutely no sleeping in the same bed.
Things only got worse when I found out that she would be saving two nights and he was a complete butthole and didn't see why it was such a big deal. I'm ashamed to say at this point I wanted to bawl. I wanted to crawl into myself and just die, I felt absolutely crushed. How could he not see how important this was! And if she was coming two nights why not just come the one, the one after my happily ever after night. I mean its not like I've ever heard this girl mentioned, and she wasn't in his cyber world at all! (I know cause I checked, can you blame me for wanted to know what I was up against?)
So the night comes and I'm a mess so how do I solve this dilemma, I get drunk, really, really drunk with my best friend on wine while watching Elf and various other movies. I also send texts to some of my best guy friends who instantly know I'm feeling down in the dumps and send me greatly reassuring texts thereby boosting my mood. The second night I solve my problems by having several people from his house over to my apartment to drink, with a strict invitation that he is not allowed to come. And this little bit of information that his brothers come over without him well it made me feel better, much much better.
So those days end we talk about it and I figure she's moving no longer an issue, but oh boy was I ever wrong! This girl just won't leave! Every other day she's writing on his facebook wall, commenting on his pictures (and not even legit ones, ones that are years old and his profile pics! Like really?!?). Now I know that it looks bad that I know this, however in my defence I did not stalk him to figure out all this (not that I am above stalking, but I just havne't felt like I needed to), I found it all out via that lovely invention called the facebook news feed, cause after every comment she made he either liked it or made another comment. And then to top it all off she writes one day how much she misses him and needs him to hold her and the very next day puts a picture on his wall saying how much her and her cat miss him! I'm sorry but since when is that "Just Friends" behavior? I know tons of guys and I would never put how much I need them to hold me or a picture of me and my pet on their page! That's just not normal! That's flirting openly without any problem and everytime I see it I get a pressure in my chest and my stomach twists into knots.
It also makes me wonder, how great of a guy can he be if he just allows this kind of blatent PDA from a girl who is just his friend?
This brings me to my original point, with this kind of availability to each others information what kind of world are we building? Cause personally I know that it is currently my foe causing me to lose trust and feelings that I have for someone making me distant and unwilling to commit.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Chivalry....Is It Dead?
So I've begun to wonder, at what point did boys stop thinking they had to woo a woman? I'll admit there have been moments where I haven't exactly needed or wanted it, and lets face it we all have those moments where all we want is just to be kissed or maybe more ;) no matter who it is. Or those guys always exist, you know the ones, those perfect one night stands, where you both get what you want and then get out. But does that mean that boys no longer need to sweep girls off their feet for longer than it takes to just put them in the air?
I've recently been technologically contacted by two seperate boys who I am friends with and althought flirting did occur I never took it seriously thinking it was just a friendship. But apparently I was wrong, very, very wrong. I have recently discovered that both boys want more out of our friendship, they want to take it to a new level. Not that this is a problem they are both attractive enough and fun guys to be around and I greatly enjoy talking and hanging out with both of them but the way they approached it was completely and utterly appalling!
One decided to text me saying he wants to have sex with me this year, the other facebook chatted me asking how I would feel about us hooking up. Really boys? Is that totally necessary! Can't you at least try to pretend like I'm worth something! It's not like I'm that girl who just hooks up with whoever, whenever and they both know it, so why would they assume that this approach would work?
Now I will admit that I am a pretty open person and you can generally talk to me about anything and I do mean anything, but at least pretend like you want more. Ask me on a date or try actually kissing me before you just assume that I will have sex with you. Boys need to learn to be gentlemen again, that girls won't just fall into bed with them just because they ask. Some effort needs to be put in, after all good things come to those who wait!
So although I'm disgusted at their complete lack of respect for me and our friendship I would like to thank them for showing me that I and every girl out these deserves more. We deserve romance and dates. We deserve to be wooed, to have the fairy tale prince, to be listened to, respected and have time and effort put towards our happiness, and not just our physical happiness.
I've recently been technologically contacted by two seperate boys who I am friends with and althought flirting did occur I never took it seriously thinking it was just a friendship. But apparently I was wrong, very, very wrong. I have recently discovered that both boys want more out of our friendship, they want to take it to a new level. Not that this is a problem they are both attractive enough and fun guys to be around and I greatly enjoy talking and hanging out with both of them but the way they approached it was completely and utterly appalling!
One decided to text me saying he wants to have sex with me this year, the other facebook chatted me asking how I would feel about us hooking up. Really boys? Is that totally necessary! Can't you at least try to pretend like I'm worth something! It's not like I'm that girl who just hooks up with whoever, whenever and they both know it, so why would they assume that this approach would work?
Now I will admit that I am a pretty open person and you can generally talk to me about anything and I do mean anything, but at least pretend like you want more. Ask me on a date or try actually kissing me before you just assume that I will have sex with you. Boys need to learn to be gentlemen again, that girls won't just fall into bed with them just because they ask. Some effort needs to be put in, after all good things come to those who wait!
So although I'm disgusted at their complete lack of respect for me and our friendship I would like to thank them for showing me that I and every girl out these deserves more. We deserve romance and dates. We deserve to be wooed, to have the fairy tale prince, to be listened to, respected and have time and effort put towards our happiness, and not just our physical happiness.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Beginnings
My life has been a roller coaster, and that most definently includes my love life. Since the tender age of 13 I've dated various people. I've dated druggies, losers, hicks, jocks, geeks, body builders, sluts and almost anyone else you can think of. Raised to be open minded about other people's choices I try to avoid passing judgement on people before I know them, inevitably this has led me to date quite a few people I wish that I could take back.
But the new year has begun, it is officially 2011 and I am a college senior. Soon my life will begin and I find myself oddly desperate to find that special someone. To find that person who is supposed to sweep me off my feet, my own personal prince charming. Yet I find my life sadly devoid of them, and the boy I thought would fit the bill seems to have some fatal flaws that sometimes make being around him absolutely miserable, and the worst flaws of all are his stubborn insistence that his faith and his beliefs are always right.
Now don't get me wrong I am a good Catholic. I go to church and confession, I try my best to be kind and thoughtful and not to pass judement on others. I believe that people should be forgiven, granted sometimes its hard and it may take a while but still if they seek it they deserve it, and even if they don't well they still deserve it too. But this boy is so blinded by his faith he finds it as an excuse to start fights constantly.
For example, I was texting him over Thanksgiving break and I was mentioning how I was going to go Christmas shopping, however instead of Christmas I put Xmas cause well mainly I was too lazy to write out Christmas. Well he threw a huge hissy fit! He accused me of not being a Christian and not believing in God because only Athiests and those who were against the Christian religion and what Christmas stood for, namely the birth of Christ, used Xmas. Now this boy has actually been to church with me. I leave him every Sunday, even though it is our date day, to go to church. It is a rarity if I miss it, especially because most Sunday's I am a greeter for my church as well as help with CEP classes. So to have probably one of the only people that I have been honest with about how much the church and its beliefs and teachings have helped me through the ups and downs in my life question my faith cut me so deep. It felt like the fact that I had laid bare my soul to him let him in on some of my darkest secrets and moments from my past and actually allowed him to come to church and interfere with my time with God didn't matter one bit to him. Not to mention that it was perhaps the stupidest argument in the history of man! Like seriously dude I have the same beliefs as you and actually go to church whereas you sit in your little room spitting bible verses like your better than anyone else, yet none of the churches in the area are good enough for you.
And that brings me to tonight, New Years Eve, and technically I guess New Years Day. Well I'm already having a horrible night because I am stuck in Colorado, which is a fine state however the only people I know here are my dad and stepmom so needless to say my night was being spent at home doing nothing. And on top of that boring evening I also have the flu so needless to say my night was not the best. Well all I wanted was a New Years kiss cause I have never had an honest to god new years kiss, it's always been with a just friend or through a phone/text message. So I decided I wanted to skype him a little before midnight and I wanted a kiss, even if it was through a computer at least it would be better than kissing my dad! but what does this jerk do......he starts a fight with me! and not just any fight, oh no, he starts a theological discussion on homosexuality!!!! Like really!! Who does that! Especially with the girl that you are dating!!
Now don't get me wrong I don't mind an intellectual discussion but he is so pig-head and stubborn that he refuses to accept any other position but his own, which is namely that it is wrong because the Bible says that it is and that all people who make the choice to be gay need to find God and the church and seek forgiveness. Personally I think that whoever someone decides to love is entirely their business and who am I to judge them! Besides I have some great friends who are homosexual and that doesn't mean that they are bad people or bad Christians, it just means they happen to love someone of the same gender as them.....SO WHAT!!!
Well anyways we are having this discussion where he is basically just attacking me saying my opinions are all wrong and not based on anything factual whereas his are all grand. In fact the word he kept using was fallacies, my argument apparently had so many fallacies that he couldn't even give me a response. Whereas I was simply just shocked that this man that I feel so much joy with, who has such a big heart and wants to help people could be so close minded! Maybe it was just the way I was raised but I it's not my place to judge the choices other people make, especially when that choice does not affect me!
So we are having this argument and he just decides he's done and just gets off skype so me not wanting to end a conversation with him mad, cause I'm a firm believer that if you go to bed mad at someone it will only get worse as you sleep! So I text him that I don't want to end the night mad at each other he replies that he's not mad but disappointed in my views, which starts the argument all over again with him saying my thoughts, and opinions don't matter and are full of falsehoods and it get so heated that he calls me! I answer and he just continues to yell about how I'm stupid and a bad Christian and need to read the Bible cause I'm a hypocrite for choosing to follow the way that Jesus spoke about love and forgiveness for your fellow man rather than think of all the ways to punish and hurt other people.
Basically our convo ended like this:
Boy: I just don't know which lie and falsehood to bring up first? How do you tell someone their thought process is so unsound, that they might have more than the flu?
Me: If that's your opinion of me than so be it
Me: But you know if you seriously judge me because my opionion differs from yours than I seriously pity you.
So on to new beginnings. I find that although I greatly like this boy and think that at times he could be the most amazing and sweetest and the perfect one for me, he can also do a complete 180 and drive me so crazy that I don't even want to speak to him! Like right now just the thought of him makes my blood boil to the point where I just want to hit someone, preferably him!
But anyways these are my new beginnings, my resolutions that will hopefully change my life for the better:
1. Reduce my cussing, cause the mouth of a sailor is not attractive on a lady
2. Cut those people from my life that are doing me no good and only hurt me. If I'm important to them they will do whatever it takes to be good to me and do me no harm
and finally the doozy the biggest change of them all...........
3. NO SEX! none, nadda, zip, goose eggs! at least until not only am I in a loving, happy, healthy relationship, but that relationship is commited and the boy has put in the effort to deserve the goodies that I can give.
So that's my first post, kinda long but this rant was needed, hopefully you weren't too bored and stick around cause I guarantee 2011 is gonna be a bumpy ride!
But the new year has begun, it is officially 2011 and I am a college senior. Soon my life will begin and I find myself oddly desperate to find that special someone. To find that person who is supposed to sweep me off my feet, my own personal prince charming. Yet I find my life sadly devoid of them, and the boy I thought would fit the bill seems to have some fatal flaws that sometimes make being around him absolutely miserable, and the worst flaws of all are his stubborn insistence that his faith and his beliefs are always right.
Now don't get me wrong I am a good Catholic. I go to church and confession, I try my best to be kind and thoughtful and not to pass judement on others. I believe that people should be forgiven, granted sometimes its hard and it may take a while but still if they seek it they deserve it, and even if they don't well they still deserve it too. But this boy is so blinded by his faith he finds it as an excuse to start fights constantly.
For example, I was texting him over Thanksgiving break and I was mentioning how I was going to go Christmas shopping, however instead of Christmas I put Xmas cause well mainly I was too lazy to write out Christmas. Well he threw a huge hissy fit! He accused me of not being a Christian and not believing in God because only Athiests and those who were against the Christian religion and what Christmas stood for, namely the birth of Christ, used Xmas. Now this boy has actually been to church with me. I leave him every Sunday, even though it is our date day, to go to church. It is a rarity if I miss it, especially because most Sunday's I am a greeter for my church as well as help with CEP classes. So to have probably one of the only people that I have been honest with about how much the church and its beliefs and teachings have helped me through the ups and downs in my life question my faith cut me so deep. It felt like the fact that I had laid bare my soul to him let him in on some of my darkest secrets and moments from my past and actually allowed him to come to church and interfere with my time with God didn't matter one bit to him. Not to mention that it was perhaps the stupidest argument in the history of man! Like seriously dude I have the same beliefs as you and actually go to church whereas you sit in your little room spitting bible verses like your better than anyone else, yet none of the churches in the area are good enough for you.
And that brings me to tonight, New Years Eve, and technically I guess New Years Day. Well I'm already having a horrible night because I am stuck in Colorado, which is a fine state however the only people I know here are my dad and stepmom so needless to say my night was being spent at home doing nothing. And on top of that boring evening I also have the flu so needless to say my night was not the best. Well all I wanted was a New Years kiss cause I have never had an honest to god new years kiss, it's always been with a just friend or through a phone/text message. So I decided I wanted to skype him a little before midnight and I wanted a kiss, even if it was through a computer at least it would be better than kissing my dad! but what does this jerk do......he starts a fight with me! and not just any fight, oh no, he starts a theological discussion on homosexuality!!!! Like really!! Who does that! Especially with the girl that you are dating!!
Now don't get me wrong I don't mind an intellectual discussion but he is so pig-head and stubborn that he refuses to accept any other position but his own, which is namely that it is wrong because the Bible says that it is and that all people who make the choice to be gay need to find God and the church and seek forgiveness. Personally I think that whoever someone decides to love is entirely their business and who am I to judge them! Besides I have some great friends who are homosexual and that doesn't mean that they are bad people or bad Christians, it just means they happen to love someone of the same gender as them.....SO WHAT!!!
Well anyways we are having this discussion where he is basically just attacking me saying my opinions are all wrong and not based on anything factual whereas his are all grand. In fact the word he kept using was fallacies, my argument apparently had so many fallacies that he couldn't even give me a response. Whereas I was simply just shocked that this man that I feel so much joy with, who has such a big heart and wants to help people could be so close minded! Maybe it was just the way I was raised but I it's not my place to judge the choices other people make, especially when that choice does not affect me!
So we are having this argument and he just decides he's done and just gets off skype so me not wanting to end a conversation with him mad, cause I'm a firm believer that if you go to bed mad at someone it will only get worse as you sleep! So I text him that I don't want to end the night mad at each other he replies that he's not mad but disappointed in my views, which starts the argument all over again with him saying my thoughts, and opinions don't matter and are full of falsehoods and it get so heated that he calls me! I answer and he just continues to yell about how I'm stupid and a bad Christian and need to read the Bible cause I'm a hypocrite for choosing to follow the way that Jesus spoke about love and forgiveness for your fellow man rather than think of all the ways to punish and hurt other people.
Basically our convo ended like this:
Boy: I just don't know which lie and falsehood to bring up first? How do you tell someone their thought process is so unsound, that they might have more than the flu?
Me: If that's your opinion of me than so be it
Me: But you know if you seriously judge me because my opionion differs from yours than I seriously pity you.
So on to new beginnings. I find that although I greatly like this boy and think that at times he could be the most amazing and sweetest and the perfect one for me, he can also do a complete 180 and drive me so crazy that I don't even want to speak to him! Like right now just the thought of him makes my blood boil to the point where I just want to hit someone, preferably him!
But anyways these are my new beginnings, my resolutions that will hopefully change my life for the better:
1. Reduce my cussing, cause the mouth of a sailor is not attractive on a lady
2. Cut those people from my life that are doing me no good and only hurt me. If I'm important to them they will do whatever it takes to be good to me and do me no harm
and finally the doozy the biggest change of them all...........
3. NO SEX! none, nadda, zip, goose eggs! at least until not only am I in a loving, happy, healthy relationship, but that relationship is commited and the boy has put in the effort to deserve the goodies that I can give.
So that's my first post, kinda long but this rant was needed, hopefully you weren't too bored and stick around cause I guarantee 2011 is gonna be a bumpy ride!
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